Are you really sure you want to stop your emotional eating?
07. Aug, 2012 
2 Comments
Of course you do! But wait– before you answer so quickly, take a moment and really think about all that your emotional eating does for you. Without realizing it, it might just be your best friend. Which of the items on the following list apply to your emotional eating?
- It’s always there for me and never abandons me
- It never criticizes or shames me, even though I feel shame about it
- It’s always reliable
- It’s great company when I’m lonely
- It nurtures and soothes me like nothing or no one else can
- It’s a constant source of pleasure
- It’s a guaranteed good time
- It’s a good distraction
- It’s a fun way to procrastinate
- It helps me deal with boredom
- It’s often exciting and stimulating
- It changes my brain chemistry
- It relaxes me and helps me unwind
- It calms my anxiety
- It temporarily fills up an inner emptiness
- It helps me cope with the feeling of being overwhelmed
- It helps me avoid dealing with other issues in my life
- I can use it as the main excuse for not getting on with my life (going back to school, beginning dating, completing a project and so on.)
Perhaps you’re truly ambivalent about giving up your emotional eating. But the truth is, you need a new best friend. A new best forever friend. And the good news is that you need look no further than the mirror. I know, you’ve heard it said so many times–that you need to be your own best friend. You know it’s true, but how do you go about becoming this? After all, you can’t just wish it to be so.
Change begins with awareness. First you must be aware of all the ways your emotional eating works for you.The above list is a good start. Next, make a list of all the ways it doesn’t work for you. Your list might include things like:
- It always makes me feel ashamed, guilty and depressed
- It makes me feel hopeless and powerless
- It puts extra weight on my body
- At times, it makes me feel sick and bloated
- It’s ruining my health
- It makes me want to isolate
- I do it in secrecy and I’m not proud of it
- It doesn’t solve any of my problems
- It’s not a very good listener
- It keeps me stuck
- It makes me feel like an addict
- It eats up time I could use for other endeavors
- It makes me feel like a failure.
You may want to post this second list on your refrigerator as a reminder.
Now, take the first list and think about ways you could meet the needs mentioned on that list, without turning to food. This is where your focus needs to be and it will involve skill building. Every time you want to eat when you’re not hungry, eat when you’re already full, or choose unhealthy comfort food, pull away from the food for a few minutes and ask yourself the following two questions:
- What am I feeling?
- What am I truly longing for, other than food? What is it that I need?
Once you’ve answered these questions (and it’s best to write the answers down–you’ll stay more focused), see if you can access an inner nourishing voice that can help you address your true non-food needs. This step serves two main purposes: it helps you both develop and strengthen the voice of what I call the Inner Nurturer (the part of you that can reassure, validate, comfort, soothe, help you regulate challenging emotional states and meet your needs.) If you didn’t have much exposure to nurturing others when you were growing up, this voice may be fairly undeveloped. See if you can model the voice of someone you find or have found nurturing.
Let’s take an example:
On your way home from work, you’re feeling like bingeing, and you’re trying to decide whether to stop at a drive-thru or pick up food and head home. In the drive-thru parking lot, you pull out a pad of paper and begin to get in touch with your feeling self:
What am I feeling? You write “I’m feeling drained from work, lonely, bored, frustrated about not having a boyfriend or really good, close friends, sad, and hopeless about the future.”
What am I truly longing for? What do I need? “I would really like to have a wonderful boyfriend and some close friends to see after work and on the weekends. Since my closest friend Anne moved away years ago, it’s been nearly impossible to make another close friend.”
Now try validating and comforting your feeling self using your Inner Nurturer voice: ”I can really understand how you’re feeling. And it’s okay to feel those feelings. Ever since Anne moved away, it’s been difficult to make new friends. And I know you’re not feeling good enough about yourself to start dating just yet. I want you to know that I’m here for you, I love you and I can and will help you meet your needs. Rather than drive-thru and get unhealthy comfort food and feel worse afterwards, why don’t we go home, make a healthy dinner, and do something nourishing, like take a bath or watch a good movie.Then, when you feel ready, I’ll help you research ways to go out and meet new people. Together, we can do this. I believe in you.”
In the first months that you’re practicing using this voice, give yourself permission to turn to food after you journal, if you need to. When you’re first trying to develop this voice, it may not feel particularly nourishing. Just keep practicing identifying your feelings and needs and using this voice to regulate emotional states and for soothing and comfort. Over time, you’ll find yourself feeling internally nourished and the urge to eat will diminish. Stick with it until you feel this shift.
And take a look in the mirror today. That incredible, wonderful, awesome, nourishing being reflected back to you is waiting to be your best forever friend. You need a new best friend.
Posted by Julie M. Simon, MA, MBA, MFT., psychotherapist, life coach, certified personal trainer, author of The Emotional Eater’s Repair Manual, speaker and founder of The 12 Week Emotional Eating Recovery Coaching Program. If you have a question or topic you would like to see addressed in this blog, go to http: //www.overeatingrecovery.com.
Back when I was in college, stdiuyng for my Masters (2002) in counseling, I wrote a paper on BED. In 2005, while doing some individual research work (yep, Im a big research nerd), I had this ah-ha moment Im a binge eater. Now, I have struggled with my weight for many many years, but even though I was always just a bit overweight, I was still healthy, active. etc. And It wasnt until 2005, after the birth of my 2nd child that things went downhill for me. In 2005, I gave birth to my 2nd daughter. She was born 2 months prematurely due to placental abruption. It was a horrific experience. It was then that I was diagnosed with post partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder. My weight went up and up and up. Kept going up and has continued to go up . Also, in 2005, just months after she was born, I became extremely ill.. constant nausea, abdominal pain, etc. It was some sort of mystery illness. but with each new doctor I saw, they prescribed more meds, changed meds, did this, that and the other. I have had so many surgeries since then that I have had 1 or 2 a year. They have removed organs, scar tissue, explored, etc. And the latest diagnosis is IBS. Anyways, over the course of these years, I began binge eating. I would eat my normal 3 meals a day. I ate snacks when the kids did, I ate what they didnt finish on their plates (after all, who likes to waste food when so many out there are hungry?), I ate in between these meals and snacks. I ate while cooking. I ate while doing dishes. I have a secret stash of food (mainly sweets-chocolate, and salty crunchy snacks). I eat when Im out of the house. I eat when no one’s looking, especially my husband. And then when I notice Im gaining more weight, I get depressed, angry with myself and guess what I do? I eat some more. I feel guilty when I do all this other eating and sneaking and guess what? eat some more. I havent worn shorts in 7 years.. and want to..and it does get hot here in alabama, 6 months out of the year to be exact. My kids want to go to the beach. But I have this horrible fear of the beach. Back about 4 years ago, we went to the beach , took the kids and a picnic lunch. We all had on shorts and tee shirts. No bathing suits as we had not planned on taking the kids in to the water. But as we were walking on the beach, 4 girls/ladies were laying there on their towels, music playing, each smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer, loudly and rudely says as we walk by, OMG, look how fat she is . and one woman says to the rest if i ever get that big, i want you to shoot me . she should be ashamed of herself she is super fat my 3 year old, who doesnt forget anything, talks about that time, each time the beach is mentioned. She tells me when other people say that her mommy is fat. And I am fat. Im severely fat. Im 299 lbs at the present time. but was up to 315 , my highest weight. I need to exercise. And I am active. I do go for walks. I do clean the house, do yard work, play with the kids. Im not considered a lazy person (as most people think when they see an obese person, that’s the first thing that pops in to their head, LAZY). I could go on and on and on., but Im sure you got the picture . BED is a serious disorder. I think that it is linked to obesity. I think that Obesity should be classified in the DSM-IV with all the other eating disorders. Alcohol included. After all drug and alcoholism is listed and they are addictions. Obesity is an addiction to food. I am glad I found this website and Sunny’s blog. Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life. Today, I fight back. Today, I take back control of my life and my eating habits. And today, I learn to love myself more, stop putting myself down, and live .
You’ve got a great blog here well done congratulations